I recollect I was inside a nightmare. My father came for me.
While I was sleeping on the old couch, everyone left the house. i was alone. Mother and sister gone. Where? I don't know. Why? For how long? Just silence in reply.
I can see myself. I am asleep stretched on the gray couch with silver patterns, the one bought and carried from my first home to the second one. The second one did not feel like home at all to me. It was just a living room and a balcony that became the children's room. The rest of the apartment was the common area for my drunken father and a 89 year old with amnesia and schizophrenia to share.
I know I am helpless in an empty house asleep. I feel it is not good. I watch the door to the two rooms belonging to us open slowly. His face appears and I get sick to my stomach. I don't know what to expect this time. I don't know what to feel--love or fear or pain. I see him approaching the couch. I need to wake up, but it is so quiet. I can't, my brain frozen in the depth of the unconscious. I am peacefully asleep but inside of me everything storms and turns dark. It's almost like I feel a spear piercing my heart and my stomach feels heavy.
My eyes unclasp slowly. I'm only squinting. It's too quiet in the room and there is only a glistening light reflected on the hard wood floor. Did he do something and leave? Is he still here? Is he hidden somewhere? I do not want to open my eyes completely and see him in front of me!
I wake up in the cold.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Dream 1
There is a warm baby in my hands. Small enough that I barely feel his weight. He is wrapped in light cloth of cotton. He has a bold head with peach fuzz here and there. The baby starts crying. Hungry--I think and I give him my breast. I feel his tiny hands. They are chubby and resemble silk at thouch. I grow so attached. The baby falls asleep on my shoulder. I feel his breath, little heart beat, pleasant warmth. I think to myself that there is nothing more beautiful in this life then this baby. My baby, sleeps peacefully.
Pompey. In front of me a glass case. It's taller than me and passed the dust and vague reflection of me, there are plaster casts on the floor. Casts of the victims of the devouring lava.
79 AD. People hide in the garden, hoping to escape the fury of the Vesuvius. Loads of steaming, hot, orange mass floods the city. They saw it come closer and closer. The mother and her children and other men saw it from the garden.
Forever they will watch. They were captured and sealed in lava. The mother and her children gathering their bodies in pain and the men mesmerized by what they saw that second. Colossal force of nature so powerful and astonishing that human words can't describe it. No words because if you are a witness you're gone. Darkness.
Darkness. Sealed under this black skin of ashes. Roting away bit by bit until found, poured into, put in a glass container. On display like a fossil, forever, serving the thirst of the tourists.
I watch the plaster molds and I can only imagine the pain.
The baby wakes up crying. There are people running. I am lost and confused. I turn around to look behind me. A giant green foaming mass of water, the size of a mountain, is ready to devour. It moves closer and closer. No mercy. I am mesmerized. I am so small, helpless, insignificant. And there are so many of us tiny, running around like bugs.
I run. I am so attached to the baby. Run. Run. For the life of the baby. Hide. Where? How? The mass of watter fills in everything until it bursts. My baby. He did not even see the world yet. It's too soon to go. Run. There is a pillar. Hide behind it. Hold on to the baby. Tight. Tighter. It is the last time. Darkness.
7:15 Am. Some annoying alarm clock noise lets me know I need to get up. I need to get ready to go to Pompey.
Pompey. In front of me a glass case. It's taller than me and passed the dust and vague reflection of me, there are plaster casts on the floor. Casts of the victims of the devouring lava.
79 AD. People hide in the garden, hoping to escape the fury of the Vesuvius. Loads of steaming, hot, orange mass floods the city. They saw it come closer and closer. The mother and her children and other men saw it from the garden.
Forever they will watch. They were captured and sealed in lava. The mother and her children gathering their bodies in pain and the men mesmerized by what they saw that second. Colossal force of nature so powerful and astonishing that human words can't describe it. No words because if you are a witness you're gone. Darkness.
Darkness. Sealed under this black skin of ashes. Roting away bit by bit until found, poured into, put in a glass container. On display like a fossil, forever, serving the thirst of the tourists.
I watch the plaster molds and I can only imagine the pain.
The baby wakes up crying. There are people running. I am lost and confused. I turn around to look behind me. A giant green foaming mass of water, the size of a mountain, is ready to devour. It moves closer and closer. No mercy. I am mesmerized. I am so small, helpless, insignificant. And there are so many of us tiny, running around like bugs.
I run. I am so attached to the baby. Run. Run. For the life of the baby. Hide. Where? How? The mass of watter fills in everything until it bursts. My baby. He did not even see the world yet. It's too soon to go. Run. There is a pillar. Hide behind it. Hold on to the baby. Tight. Tighter. It is the last time. Darkness.
7:15 Am. Some annoying alarm clock noise lets me know I need to get up. I need to get ready to go to Pompey.
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Corrupt Love
First she was uncorrupted. She had a perfect, as it seemed to her, idea about love. So pure and tender, sincere and soothing, innocent and mutual, beautiful and meaningful. That was love. Her mind was free to rumble about different love scenarios, in which sacrifice was a proper thing to do.
She met her soul mate as she thought--the one she would give all her love to. She would! All that pure warmth that was adding up and storing in her heart all these years. All that light she collected from the smiling faces in the crowd, from the beauty of the drops on a cold cup of water, from the joyof the pink shadows in the dusk, from the richness of the chocolate that melted in her mouth, from the purity of the rain, the glistening water that ran between her toes in the swimming pool. She wanted to give all of that to him. All that energy, all of her.
She felt his kiss one day. She did not know what it was, but it was so innocent. His breth seemed to absorb her light. Take it all she thought.
But latter she expected his innocent heart to open for her. She needed that exchange of light. She gave him hers, she wanted his. But his heart was different, his mind has a different understanding of love. All in his heart was reasonably analyzed, distributed in alphabetical order, coded and stored in his heart and programed to give his lessons of life, or give him joy during cold times. His love was reasonable, careful, thought out.
She went beyond reason because of all that reasonable love in him did not make sense. The light in her was gone. She was starved but she stumped the starvation, to be with him. he was the one who still carried what was part of her. He had her light. She still loved him, but she had nothing to give, and the once innocent kiss, the bridge for energy became a broken bridge. Suddenly everything was dry and simple and did not worry her at all. She broke up with him.
She fell in love again. A different kind of love. She learned from the first time. Her heart was programed to give her lessons of live, or give her joy during cold times. Her love was reasonable, careful, thought out. She was searching to absorb the light she lost. But she kept her heart safe she kept everything locked inside, for herself. She liked that selfish love. She did not know why she had a wrong idea about love before. Her love was corrupt.
So the disease keeps spinning full circles around the world.
She met her soul mate as she thought--the one she would give all her love to. She would! All that pure warmth that was adding up and storing in her heart all these years. All that light she collected from the smiling faces in the crowd, from the beauty of the drops on a cold cup of water, from the joyof the pink shadows in the dusk, from the richness of the chocolate that melted in her mouth, from the purity of the rain, the glistening water that ran between her toes in the swimming pool. She wanted to give all of that to him. All that energy, all of her.
She felt his kiss one day. She did not know what it was, but it was so innocent. His breth seemed to absorb her light. Take it all she thought.
But latter she expected his innocent heart to open for her. She needed that exchange of light. She gave him hers, she wanted his. But his heart was different, his mind has a different understanding of love. All in his heart was reasonably analyzed, distributed in alphabetical order, coded and stored in his heart and programed to give his lessons of life, or give him joy during cold times. His love was reasonable, careful, thought out.
She went beyond reason because of all that reasonable love in him did not make sense. The light in her was gone. She was starved but she stumped the starvation, to be with him. he was the one who still carried what was part of her. He had her light. She still loved him, but she had nothing to give, and the once innocent kiss, the bridge for energy became a broken bridge. Suddenly everything was dry and simple and did not worry her at all. She broke up with him.
She fell in love again. A different kind of love. She learned from the first time. Her heart was programed to give her lessons of live, or give her joy during cold times. Her love was reasonable, careful, thought out. She was searching to absorb the light she lost. But she kept her heart safe she kept everything locked inside, for herself. She liked that selfish love. She did not know why she had a wrong idea about love before. Her love was corrupt.
So the disease keeps spinning full circles around the world.
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