The Magnificent I. Notice, the letter “I” always masking its insignificance behind the upper case status in the dominion of the English language. The French would frown upon the self-allowed arrogance of the Americans and British to call themselves “I” instead of “i”. Similar to the frown Rimbaud expressed through his brilliant poetry towards the Frenchmen, i frown upon the “I”. So to protest against the self-indulgent, colonialist, egotistical, imperialistic, consumerist culture of the English, my reference to myself will no longer include “I” but instead it will always be i. Another reason for why my entity does not deserve the privileges of the upper case letter, is the flawed nature of the i. So let me tell you the story of i in hell.
On a warm October night a certain couple was making love. In spring they got married and in June they gave life to another i. Then the family went off on an island to celebrate the couple’s honey moon. It seems like they were happy.If nothing else, so it seemed to be according to the black and white photographs with the dates scribbled on the backs of each and the few calculations i made.
i is in class. The fifth grade religion text book starts with the story of Adam and Eve. i realized that she is in big trouble because Eve has managed to sin in advance so now i together with each existing i, who are Eve’s children, have to bear the punishment. i was afraid, hoping that the punishment wasn’t too bad. But, later the class learned about hell. From then on, i couldn’t fall asleep at night thinking of how dark it must be in hell. i was a coward. In fact i was such a coward that she did not move from the assigned desk. She sat at the desk all throughout the school day, ignoring her needs to take a walk, eat or go to the bathroom. i was unmovable.
i knew she was going to hell and i knew she was already punished so she had to be quiet. Father was the fulfillment of the punishment. He would come home drunk and beat mom. He was possessed by God’s power of revenge. i was afraid of father and didn’t do anything when he attacked mom. i was afraid of God. i sat in the corner and cried. When father was through he left home . Mom set on the floor and cried. her face resembled the bruised apple that Eve didn’t pick. I thought what king of bad apple did mom eat?
One time when dad wasn’t through yet, but mom was crying to hard for people to keep quiet, our neighbor got involved “what are you doing, beating up a woman like that ?” she is my wife, I do what I want with what’s mine.”
And he was right. Later on, when we decided no father was better then that, while the rest of the family raged over the issue of image and a divorce being a shame to a name, mom filed for depriving father of paternal rights. At this point i had enough hatred brooding inside that she could testify against the whole country of Moldova. During the outburst of hatred towards father i caught memories of how he took i on his lap and drew horses and bunnies and clowns for her. May be, dad really loved i. But that’s how he owned i. He was the puzzle in i’s brain. He owned mom as well. How? because all the testimonies brought against him didn’t do anything in a country with laws demeaning towards women-- a patriarchal society. The thought of everything made i sick to the stomach so when the time was for testifying i shook, sobbed and spoke incoherently.
After everything was over i would sit alone and think. i hated Adam and Eve. Adam had no character. Oh well, Eve was dumb. Poor Eve, why did she bite that apple? As for God, God was right, and he tested i at that moment to see the limits of i’s love.
So i decided she needed to go to church. She read the Bible, went to ceremonies every Sunday and tried with all her might to forgive. But, alas. i returned to the subject of hatred daily. “i hate” was the most common expression that came out of i’s mouth. However, more then anything i hated i.
To escape the “trying to be the dutiful Christian” and the negative forces within, that took over way to often, i dedicated most of the time to studying. Soon enough she was one of the strongest students in her class, but that scared her. i thought that becoming a successful student was an indicator that she resembled father. He was a great student too. On top of everything, i was always angry just like him. i realized that Adam and Eve were not that different. Hatred and love were not far apart.
It seemed as though those were unholy thoughts so like a prey she prayed to God. i was miserable. i wanted to understand how can there be so much good and evil in the same creation. Soon God heard i’s prayers because he sent her to America. Things in America were so good that the thought of how bad they were back home made i cry. She waited for the day when something bad would happen because it just did not seem real. i’s mom was finally happily married to another man, which did not seem real either. i expected him to screw up because she knew that demons turn into angels and angels turn into demons.
But one day she found the answer to all of her questions. Adam and Eve were apes! So now, since nothing is supposed to have a reason, nothing is supposed to make sense. The spirit of American I’s comes from--believe in oneself--there is no sin--there is responsibility. That seemed like a breath of fresh air, but not for long.
In the next year i fell in love with whom i thought she could be herself. Because of i’s past and her lack of social skills, i did not believe in friendship and did not trust men. But this boy brought to light what i could not see without him. She saw in his loving eyes that she could be loved and that there were men i could trust. i looked up to him as though he was God in her world; the sign of hope. The longing was unbearable when he was gone. Every time he would leave, i felt abandoned. Thoughts of her father followed i like a shadow. She knew she had no reason to worry because he loved her. But, she did. Doubt would cross i’s mind at times and doubt would scream when he did not call for long. i’s mind would chew itself trying to process the idea that he was not thinking about her. i felt abandoned, yet again. The next day things were back to normal because he showed up. And so he would come and go and sorrow would come and go. i lived like that for two years.
Later i understood i’s eyes saw only the scene i wanted to see. He was just a boy and he did no see through i’s eyes. He just wanted to love someone and have fun. i’s eyes pictured him as the liberator, but he did not see the magnitude of the role cast upon him by the crossing of i’s and his lives. It was all in her head. Angels transformed into demons in her own head. The questions i raised were the same as when she tried to comprehend her father’s nature and why he did those things to the family.
A certain i decided to listen to the snake and she bit the apple. She did it because i was not afraid of things anymore, she wanted to pass the boundaries of herself. And i did. i was not afraid to see. She understood that good and evil are merged and that haven and hell are one. She understood that God is within her. But when she understood that, she became herself again. A new self this time, so her eyes closed again. The problem after becoming the new self is the closed eyes--she is set within boundaries again. So to reach out beyond she has to change again. To open her eyes--to see--i has to change.This will never be over, i will never stop changing in search of seeing. She will shed i(s) like the snake sheds skins as long as she is alive. i will never know herself like the demon did not know he was an angel and the angel did not know he was a demon.
