First she was uncorrupted. She had a perfect, as it seemed to her, idea about love. So pure and tender, sincere and soothing, innocent and mutual, beautiful and meaningful. That was love. Her mind was free to rumble about different love scenarios, in which sacrifice was a proper thing to do.
She met her soul mate as she thought--the one she would give all her love to. She would! All that pure warmth that was adding up and storing in her heart all these years. All that light she collected from the smiling faces in the crowd, from the beauty of the drops on a cold cup of water, from the joyof the pink shadows in the dusk, from the richness of the chocolate that melted in her mouth, from the purity of the rain, the glistening water that ran between her toes in the swimming pool. She wanted to give all of that to him. All that energy, all of her.
She felt his kiss one day. She did not know what it was, but it was so innocent. His breth seemed to absorb her light. Take it all she thought.
But latter she expected his innocent heart to open for her. She needed that exchange of light. She gave him hers, she wanted his. But his heart was different, his mind has a different understanding of love. All in his heart was reasonably analyzed, distributed in alphabetical order, coded and stored in his heart and programed to give his lessons of life, or give him joy during cold times. His love was reasonable, careful, thought out.
She went beyond reason because of all that reasonable love in him did not make sense. The light in her was gone. She was starved but she stumped the starvation, to be with him. he was the one who still carried what was part of her. He had her light. She still loved him, but she had nothing to give, and the once innocent kiss, the bridge for energy became a broken bridge. Suddenly everything was dry and simple and did not worry her at all. She broke up with him.
She fell in love again. A different kind of love. She learned from the first time. Her heart was programed to give her lessons of live, or give her joy during cold times. Her love was reasonable, careful, thought out. She was searching to absorb the light she lost. But she kept her heart safe she kept everything locked inside, for herself. She liked that selfish love. She did not know why she had a wrong idea about love before. Her love was corrupt.
So the disease keeps spinning full circles around the world.
I feel complete. I have always fallen in love easily and it does have to do with a piece of my light that was stolen from me. I did not give it away. It was ripped from me. I have learned this from a very complicated, close, soothing breakup. I have found that this parting was for the best. My fragment of light or soul is lost in that person but that fragment is being pieced together by facing hard facts and being loved fully by another who has, in turn, shared her light as she has received. I love what you have written and shared.
ReplyDeleteThanks...out of all people you seem to understand. I guess you are right, I need to fall in love again, but I cant. I can't force it. There was a person ready to fall in love with me this summer but I ignored the whole thing. I dont know weather my brain is overly protective to let emotions go, or my heart was stollen. I feel like a stone!
ReplyDeleteBut I am glad that you found that significant other!!!